Description Of Boat For Sale

[ginko]

Spotted this today on an auction website... classic!

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One sunny afternoon I saw this boat sitting in a driveway not far from my castle. It looked sad and neglected, and without a motor I knew it was going nowhere fast. The old lady that I bought it off told me that the hull could take up to 60 horses and straight away I knew she was a liar. I could see that you would be lucky to fit one horse in it, maybe two Welsh mountain ponies at the most, but not 60 horses. I had no proof that the hull couldn't take 60 horses, so I had to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I paid her good money for the boat and went via the local race track on the way home. I crashed through the rear gate with the boat in tow, and using a bag of molasses dipped carrots that I had prepared earlier, I attempted to lure 60 horses into the hull. One horse bit me and another kicked me so hard that I have a permanent good luck bruise on my right thigh. My fall to the ground scared the other horses, and I was trampled so badly that I ended up with my kidneys running away from the carnage. I brushed myself off and returned to my car, furious that I had been tricked.

Later that night I returned to the old lady's house and cut down four of her 145 azaleas. I then crept inside her house and made her a cup of tea, putting the milk in after I poured the tea. Confident she would never lie again, I left her house, stomping on the head of her door snake on the way out.

The boat sat in my driveway for nigh on half a decade before I decided to do something about it. I moved it into my backyard and it sat there for nearly two more weeks, before I moved it again back to the driveway. All the moving around meant that I had to replace the wheel bearings in the trailer. Not because they had worn out, but I couldn't stand looking like I was someone who had a boat which they never used. I moved the boat out onto the street and pretended to do some emergency wheel bearing replacements. All the passers by watched in awe as I managed to get my motorless boat back on the road again. And into my driveway.

I looked around for an outboard to suit this beautiful boat but noticed that outboard motors were extremely expensive yet without good reason. An outboard motor is basically a lawnmower, spread over a larger area and with smaller blades and water cooling. I tried fitting my own lawnmower to the boat and despite the cheers and encouragement from those at the boat ramp, oars were the only thing that brought me back to shore. I kept searching for a suitable motor and eventually stumbled across the motor which is fitted to it. It was at an auction, sitting in a big crate when I walked past and stumbled across it. I thought, perfect, it looks big enough so I bought it.

When I got the motor home I realised that I had bought an ex military outboard motor. Apparently the men, women and German shepherds in the military are so tough that they don't need electric start, oh no, even if the factory produced them with electric start, it wasn't for them. I mean who wants to be stuck in a river somewhere with 7.62mm rounds flying past while having the luxury of turning a key and motoring away! Obviously not the military. No way; these things are pull start. So with your shrapnel ridden good arm and your mine depleted missing arm, you have to pull start this thing with your ear. Fortunately the motors do start easily, despite pulling the cord is like trying to pull the wallet from an ice addict running away from you after your Christmas ATM withdrawal.

These motors are also made to be put on and removed quickly, despite the fact that they weigh more than the Trike of Death with a full tank of fear. They also have what's known as a 'work prop', which as far as I can work out means that the boats with these motors are made for work, not play. I tried to take people water skiing, and despite getting off to a flying start the boat tops out at around 25 knots, leaving the water skiers to make small talk amongst themselves. Admittedly, 25 knots is less than what was in my fishing line after the first time that I used the boat.

You will see from the pictures that the boat has no seats. When I bought the boat, it had back to back seats which I thought were completely useless. What point is there in having your friends look at the reverse of what you have already seen? I felt that the thing would be far better with something like a bathroom or kitchen instead. How wrong was I. I must have still been under the delusion that the hull could take 60 horses, so I had an architect draw me the plans for a blue and white ark with stables for 60 horses, a kitchen, bathroom and ex-military outboard motor. His plans were a disaster because they incorporated too much glass and all this energy saving crap that I didn't need.

The military motor that is on it was never designed to be operated remotely, unlike most boats made after 1859. This motor was designed to always have someone at the business end for a real test of endurance. Firstly, you can't hear when people are telling you to 'look out', and they're telling you to look out because the bow is so high in the air that seeing anything in front while you're controlling the outboard is impossible. I thought of fitting a glass bottom just to see what's ahead, but decided that modifying the motor would be cheaper.

The motor and the boat really are an odd couple: The motor was built in 1990 based on technology from 1950, while the boat was built in the 1970's based on what they thought we would be wanting in 1990s. Everything is so wrong. The upside is that if you remember to put the bungs in, the boat floats. The first time I took it out to try the new motor I noticed that the tide seemed to get higher and higher around the boat – and inside the hull. Fortunately, moving fast through the water has the effect of sucking the bilges dry so I kept motoring around for three days until I found the bungs, in the 'must not forget to put these in' section of my pocket.

The boat isn't that slow. 25 knots on water is the equivalent of 128 km/h on land if you make a mistake during the conversion. It is fast enough to make it so hard for the developing barnacles to filter feed that they starve to death. The boat is so fast that that the friction between the water and the hull makes the ice in the esky melt. I had a mate try to catch fish using a lure behind the boat, but it was so fast that the lure jumped off his line and swam upstream to spawn.

It is also extremely maneuverable, but not that you can control it. I tried lining it up with my trailer the other day, and no, unlike most people I actually back my trailer into the water – to the point that I need scuba gear to drive my car out. I spent about two tanks of fuel, or approximately 30 minutes, trying to get the boat onto the trailer. I couldn't blame the tides because it was in a swimming pool. I couldn't blame the wind, because I hadn't farted. It was just purely a possessed piece of equipment I was dealing with. When I went backwards, or as us mariners like to say 'astern', it didn't seem to matter which way the motor pointed, the boat just went in some other direction. At one point it levitated for an hour. I ended up getting so pissed off that I drove the boat out to the middle of the pool, swam to shore and let the elements and a tin of spaghetti put it on the trailer for me.

I know that most of you would be now thinking, 'why is he selling such a good boat' or 'why am I reading this crap'. I understand your concerns. Let me put your minds at ease. I need a bigger boat. I need one that I can take my imaginary friends out on. I need a boat that I can sleep on without having my horseshoe branded legs hanging over the side for sardines to nibble on. I need a boat that will fit a horse, not just manure.

The boat doesn't have navigation lights because the unpredictable steering would create such a dazzling light display that other mariners would think they were sailing towards the aurora borealis. It doesn't have a compass either, but at full speed the angle of the bow out of the water allows you to use the boat as a giant sextant, guaranteeing you end up where you hadn't planned on being. Without seats, there is room enough for plenty of life jackets. The life jackets can be used as seats, or you can eat them when you've been lost at sea in a small lake for over an hour.

There is a windscreen which does nothing other than provide you with something sharp to hit your head on while trying to line the boat up with the winch on the trailer. Admittedly the boat would look crap without it, but honestly there is no benefit in having it. It has an anchor, but nothing to attach it to. Anyway, why would you need an anchor when you have a boat that you are so frightened of having to try to start again that you never stop. Although it isn't all that bad. I would compare this boat to bending over with a hangover.

When I was young I was scared of water. Now I'm scared of boats. Boats to me are a bit like a broken arm: You always wanted the attention of having one, but once you have had one you wonder why you wanted one in the first place. I know they are fun, and can take your hook and sinker far further than you could cast them, but it's all the crap that goes along with boating that I can't stand.

There is that whole boating thing that I still can't get used to. The fact that you have to wash your boat down every time you use it, and flush the engine with fresh water. Honestly, who would ever own a car if they had to take out all the seats and hose it down, before leaving it running in the driveway with a hose stuck up its exhaust for an hour? Boats are a joke. If you have one on a trailer, you have to fight with every person that's never put their car in reverse, let alone reversed a trailer. If you leave one in the water for more than a week, it grows enough seaweed and barnacles to keep a generation of Chinese alive for a century.

I also hate how owning a boat suddenly sends your mind back 1000 years. You must talk in fathoms, knots, bearings and sing sea shanties. You have to get sunburned just to have a good day out, and if someone on the boat doesn't turn themselves inside out vomiting, then it just hasn't been a good day. There is also that mandatory requirement that everyone on the boat has to say 'now this is the life' at least once an hour, including the poor bastard that has just spewed up their undies.

On the bright side... On the shady side, the boat floats. It is as agile as a drunken man negotiating the Swiss Alps in a shopping trolley. It has blue paint on the top surface, which means that when you are lost at sea, there is even less chance of being found. It has no electric start, so your limp-wristed

mates are unlikely to want to borrow it. It has no seats, so there is more room for dancing. It isn't a bad boat, but I just don't like it.

Further photos can be supplied on request, including photos of the boat.

[Young Gun]

Hahahaha mate that is one of the best posts ive read in a long time!!!. Well worth reading.

Cheers YG

[hookmeup]

Most honest ad I've ever read, how much ???

Oh who cares Ill take it !!!

[adjustedpete]

Thats my boat down to a T.

[Catchin Jack]

Haha, awesome read and so true.

Cheers,

Leo

[byrnea]

That has to be the funniest post I have ever read.

[xtosea]

Oh the serenity, thats the funniest thing ive read in ages!!!! Well done to whoever wrote it!

[myocard]

Here is another one - this is current

Ok – men sometimes like small things – like their mobile phones (its cool to have them small), their golf handicap (just ask Tiger Woods) and their wife’s credit card bills. Even my wife sometimes likes small things - like her waist and the shopping cue at the local Coles. But my wife and I have both decided we don’t like our boats small.

After 4 years in sweating my guts out to put this together I have decided I’m too bl**dy fat and my wife is too bl**dy big for this boat! To quote Keith Richards “Sh*t happens.”

So who could use this? I have no idea – perhaps a couple of people that don’t like alcohol and culinary delights as much as me. You work it out.

Where would you use this? Try a lake, try the bay, pose at Portsea, I don’t care – it just deserves better than sitting around doing nothing.

The story (the short version): My brother in law was given it; he didn’t love it, and let it to rot at in Mother-in law’s back garden. Enter one sucker (me), who decided it would be great to restore. Some things you only do once (like bathing a cat) – this is one of those things. I spent four years scraping, sanding, remaking, painting and replacing everything. To quote Richard Attenborough in Jurassic Park “I spared no expense.” My reward – NOTHING – I chose the wrong size boat to do up!

Originally made by Bulleen boats, this is one of the few remaining early small Australian yachts that have survived and if it was a car would be termed a ‘classic.’ This means you get more attention at than a Michael Jackson skit, but it comes with the Four M Rule – Money Maintenance, and More Money.

This boat is designed to be sailed (if you know how), rowed or to have a small outboard on the back. If you want to put it under power – fine - but buy a new motor. The one that came with it worked better as an anchor than as a machine of propulsion.

All the wood is finished in Boatcote for the clear and polyurethane paint on the hull courtesy of a marine supplier who I gave most of my income to over the project period.

The hull is painted in traditional Cornish colours of red and white. Fittings are by Ronsan Australia – they don’t come any better and more expensive than that (I told you I was an idiot). The woods are all top shelf stuff including the batons to put your feet on which are all Celery-Top Pine.

All the rigging is colour coded and was spliced, whipped and customized for this boat by myself. They are a work of art in themselves.

The mainsail was designed and crafted by the boys at Quantum Sails – regarded by many as the best in the business for custom sails. It cost about $800 to craft – I told you I spared no expense!

The trailer was custom made for the boat as a special favour by Russell Dunbier – the owner of Dunbier Marine. They don’t come better than that. It’s registered, it’s perfect and it even comes with a spare wheel and winch.

Now you read the story – Bid and get this out of my life. The auction is real – which mean no reserve and the winner picks it up and takes it all away.

And to top it off here is some of the Q & A

Q: Hello what is the reason for sail, would 4 adults fit in it??cheers good read.ps is it small enough to post 16-Nov-09

A: Hi "Rusty Joe" Thank you for your questions: You asked about whether 4 adults could fit in it. Yes, but I wouldn't do it unless I was sailing off Jakarta looking for Australian citizenship. In regards posting - I'm sure TNT Freight would be delighted to offer their services, but it would probably cost more the entire rigging.

[davegroves68]

GOLD!!!