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How Smart Are Lawyers?

Big Bob

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> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

> now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm

> while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> ________________________________

> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

> WITNESS: July 18th.

> ATTORNEY: What year?

> WITNESS: Every year.

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> WITNESS: I forget.

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

> forgot?

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> < FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=navy>WITNESS:

> Thirty-eight or

> thirty-five, I can't remember which.

> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

> WITNESS: Forty-five years.

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: What was the first t hing your husband said to you that

> morning?

> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> WITNESS: My name is Susan.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

> voodoo?

> WITNESS: We both do.

> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> WITNESS: We do.

> ATTORNEY: You do?

> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> ____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

> ________________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> WITNESS: Uh....

> ___________________________________ ___

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None.

> ATTORNEY: We re there any girls?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

> dead people?

> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

> to?

> WITNESS: Oral.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

> autopsy on him!

> ____________________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


> ____________________________________________

> And the best for last

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

> a pulse?


> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> began the autopsy?


> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

> practicing law.

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