Men Say Woman Hear

[Big Bob]

1 "I can't find it"

MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am

completely clueless.

2 "That's women's work"

MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3 "Will you marry me?"

MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the

washer and there's no peanut butter left.

4 "It's a guy thing."

MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and

you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5 "Can I help with dinner?"

MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6 "It would take too long to explain"

MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7 "I'm getting more exercise lately"

MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8 "We're going to be late."

MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9 "Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard."

MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.

10 "That's interesting dear."

MEANS: are you still talking?

11 "Love, we don't need material things to prove our love."

MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12 "You expect too much from me."

MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13 "It's really a good film."

MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.

14 "You know how bad my memory is."

MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and

Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number

of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

16 "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death

before I admit I'm hurt.

17 "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."

MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18 "She's one of those rabid feminists."

MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19 "I heard you."

MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I

can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days

yelling at me.

20 "You know I could never love anyone else."

MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could

be worse.

21 "You really look terrific in that outfit."

MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22 "I brought you a present."

MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.

23 "I missed you."

MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're

out of toilet paper.

24 "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."

MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25 "This relationship is getting too serious."

MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.

26 "I don't need to read the instructions."

MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed

help.

[Davemmm]

I don't understand.

Are they jokes or did you just file a report on my life?