Man V Pocket Taser

[Chris 55]

I received this in a recent email and despite it having something about

" only a man would attempt this " I had to read the story, did I mention

it was sent by a female, enjoy ............

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his

lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop

that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I

was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the

button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the

blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot

is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself

that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,

right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought

about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of

it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife

to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in

one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would

shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about

5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best....?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to

my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE

HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the

carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the

fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing

sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat

up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip

weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure

and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head

which I believe came from my hair... I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.

My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and

now regularly threatens me with it!

[Dalucius]

Top story.

I had a fight with an electric fence once. My youngest daughter about 3 at the time was near the electric fence and I told her not to touch it. Being the child she is, she did and said 'it's not on mum'. I went to check if she was right as we had horses grazing in the paddock.

To my demise I was right and got a strong shock. Amazed at her holding the fence in her hand and not feeling a thing, I realised she was wearing rubber gum boots and was well insulated. Der me lesson learnt.

If ever you need to see if an electric fence is on remember to check it with the back of your hand so it wont clinch tight.

[johnv]

wow this is one post the mrs wont be seeing, couldnt stop laughing the pain ouch

john

[jewgaffer]

that was a funny story Chris and brilliant to say the least

My wife Shirl was washing a greasy old Tarago motor down one day that kept stalling so it would look immaculate so as not to get ripped off having this and that replaced by a possibly dodgey mobile mechanic which was a good idea at the time..... Shirl scrubbed and hosed the motor down so much that she had greasy mud and foam all over the blue metal in our front yard... Anyway the motor looked terrific when Shirl rinsed it off but the car wouldn't start which was the worst result possible with the mobile mechanic on his way..... Shirl called me out as she attempted to clean the battery terminals with a bucket of soapy water and a soap pad from the kitchen while I stood there with both hands on the top engine bay showing Shirl where this green gunk needed to be scrubbed off the battery terminals... The next thing I remembered was being thrown to the ground by what felt like thousand volts of electricity with Shirley trying to pull my steel capped boot out of the bucket of water so that I could get my leg back and my other leg off the drill she was using to clean the engine bay with that somehow started up on its own just as the mobile mechanic arrived and somehow in all the commotion, the cord got caught up in the bucket handle and the drill kept chasing me, the good leg and the leg in the bucket all around the yard

Cheers

jewgaffer

Edited April 26, 2009 by jewgaffer

[diver1]

that is so hilarious!!!!!

[jimnicdusty]

that was so funny i havent laughed that much in ages.

top post cheers