bolan

* Free to good home. * Excellent guard dog. * Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. * Most of them knew him as, "Holy Shit!" Cheers, Stumpy

Humsey, there is no need for pics when you tell a story. (Unless the "clothing optional " beach was full of lasses! Great report! Cheers, Stumpy Now, get back to your knots!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.' Cheers, Stumpy

That is a rather strong arguement there sifisho, I relate that to a camping trip we took the kids on to a dam near Tumit. All the relatives were there and as I turned up a day late (from work) , I packed a few suprises for the kids in the back of my ute.......................2 mini bikes! Well, wasnt I the man of the minute!, off the kids rode and they had a ball. Later on that day, a ranger came down and threatened me with a fine and told the kids to get off the bikes. It was all rather over the top and the kids were devistated, leaving me most upset. A few hours later, a "waterways" bloke turned up to check the dam and got talking to me, he was most curious as to why the kids weren't blatting around on their bikes.When I told him what happened, he laughed and told the kids to get on their bikes and have a good time! (no need to ask twice). I asked the bloke as to why I could let the kids do this, when the Ranger threatened me with all sorts of infringements, and he told me inbetween fits of laughter, that the drought had dropped the dam levels to such a low, that we were actually on the "Catchment Management Land" and not National Park! Therefore, the kids could "Break a Leg" Two days later, my prayers were answered and that horrible ranger returned whilst my kids were riding their bikes.All I shall say is that he left in a hurry, and I didnt get fined. Cheers, Stumpy

Hahaha, Good Call, Smart Fella! Cheers, Stumpy

Sounds like a good job for an X highway patrol officer! Hehehe Stumpy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?' He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.' Anyone for Golf ???? Cheers, Stumpy

hahaha..............how good is that !!!!!!!!!!!! Dont you love it when the fishing God smiles like that ! Well done, Stumpy

"True Friendship" 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the hateful bitch who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. - the tablets 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.- and find your tablets 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. -and find your tablets 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words- and find your tablets 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have. -and..........you guessed it! 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth Cheers, Stumpy

Your a really handsome man Pete! Errrrrrrr..................keep taking those tablets though, cause you will end up going out to bat with your fishing rod Cheers, Your local therapist Stumpy

Available at all Newsagencys.......................selling fast Cheers, Stumpy

Mate, loved the report, but there was no real need to say anything. Those Pics spoke volumes! Cheers, Stumpy

Oh pleeaaasseee Rooster..................................... IDIOT! Cheers, Stumpy

Great stuff !.............................wrong bloody pot!

I have been talking to alot of fishos that fish the Hawksbury and I must admit, its sounded more like a watery graveyard than anything else. I scan the reports on my home river every day, and I must admit, all seems rather gloomy. Before I get shot down, I do realise that their have been some great trips out, and I applaud those that have had a good outing, but the ratio of good Harbour reports as to good Hawksbury river reports has definately turned. Does anyone agree with this comment??? Cheers, Stumpy

errrrrrrrrrr, ouch ! Stick to the sheep eh Kiwi ? Hehehehe, Stumpy

Nice stuff Rooster, we will have to do an all nighter again! Nice feed for you! Cheers, Stumpy

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.' Cheers, Stumpy

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. 'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, 'Him? One woman, one feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three feathers.' The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!' The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.' Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!' The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.' The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!' The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!' The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!' 'No deer', said the Chief. 'Ass too high, run too fast!' Cheers, Stumpy

Mate, if your on Penguins boat, just throw the whole bloody freezer in, Penguin will probably pull it in fully stocked!

So let me get this straight Penguin, You throw chips out and get fish......................... You throw prawns when every one else throws livies out and get monster kings................ Mate, I've got to get a ride on your boat, your the only person that throws anything off the boat and comes back with a bloody fish! Cheers, Stumpy

Yeah mate, caught a speed boat LB one day! Wow, that was unstoppable!............Definately a hoodlum! This thread is a good read Ceph, I didnt know there were that many big buggers in close! Cheers, Stumpy

Try 38 litres per hundred when towing the Bertie Cheers Grumpy Stumpy

I tow the Bertie with a 5litre v8 Explorer. The fuel economy is non existent. It cost me $400.00 to get to South West Rock several years ago. Tows well, but at a massive cost. Cheers, Stumpy

Dad did the best shot I ever saw, took out a windscreen of a BMW in the Club Carpark............... The car belonged to the President of the golf club. Considering the Tee off was going the other way, I was real impressed. Cheers, Stumpy (Dad played baseball for Australia, so when he hits it, it stays hit.................we are currently working on direction)